too many questions

but maybe there isn't an answer...

09.02.09
So the last four weeks or so have been a bit of a struggle really. I've felt so claustrophobic at times, or maybe just purely frustrated. I've felt like a million miles away couldn't be far enough. Not from the children, not from the work, but just from myself, from the noise around me and inside my head.
I have struggled to remember why I am here. Why specifically I am here, what am I doing that anybody else couldn't do? And I know none of us are irreplaceable but fact is, I made a decision to give up a lot to be here and I found myself questioning why.
So I've been unhappy, unhelpful sometimes, and the complete antithesis of the person I want to be or thought I was.

Last week, a good friend of mine, a girl who I had lived with for the two years before I left Ireland passed away. She was diagnosed with lymphoma just before Christmas. In my naivety I thought she would be well on the way to recovery by the time I got home. I thought I had all the time in the world, I thought she had all the time in the world. But as it turned out, the very drugs that were supposed to be helping her did nothing more than speed up her illness and send her from this world earlier than anyone had ever thought.
So by being here, where I am supposed to be doing something that matters, I missed being there for a friend when she needed people most. I'm missing being at home with my family when I think I could help them.

I came here first to learn about a new culture, a new part of the world. Then all the other things I learned just bowled me over, the love I felt for all the children almost broke my heart. I was overwhelmed and overjoyed.
But now, now I feel like all I have left to learn are lessons that I don't necessarily want to learn right now. Lessons like how time passes and changes things no matter how little we realise or don't want it to. Lessons like no matter how much you want to help someone, in a world of paperwork and permission seeking, that could take years. Like how even when you're doing something you believe in, sometimes it takes more than that belief to keep you going...

04.03.09
I've decided that maybe, just maybe, not all that I'm here to learn is going to be good, and maybe I have more than my belief in myself to keep me going. Thanks to some awesome friends, I got what I needed from them to keep me going.